I still have them and they are very dear to me. Still, at that moment when I got them they brought me slightly out of balance and back into a psychosis for a few days. I knew for sure that I was Mary. I wore the rosary to show my mother’s husband that I belonged to God, and he was from the General Intelligence and Security Dervice. That day after he visited me, five of his chickens had died. I thought that was because I had worn my cross and that that was God’s punishment, since he had wanted to “poison” me. Now I no longer think that.

I felt drawn to St. Vitus Church. At St. Vitus Church, I found recognition. Sometimes during a Mass I would suddenly start crying because what was being said was so in line with what I experienced during my psychoses. For example, I love that we wish each other the peace of Christ. Whether you are homeless or the CEO of a big company, people who are close to each other wish each other peace. There are several more people from that  church who talk to God.

Some people also think I shouldn’t say I’m “sick”

They empower me, although I do also know I am vulnerable. And also, I was very surprised when not long ago a priest proclaimed that you can say, “God is in Me.” In fact, he encouraged it. And that is exactly what I feel, that God is in me. As well as that, he sometimes calls me “Mary”. Before I eat I pray, if there is room for it, and then when I eat I hear His voice. Sometimes I hear His voice regardless. Before I was sick I didn’t hear it. But now I feel His presence well, although some days it is stronger than others. This is also stated in the YouCat, a book that explains the faith of the catholic church; “Sometimes we experience the nearness of our Creator, but often we experience nothing at all (page 14).”

We all belong together. “Together we are one body” as the pastor often says. For example, a fellow patient in 2009 said to me just after meeting Christ, “I had a vision of God. You don’t have schizophrenia. We are children of God, we are pure.” I found that very special. Just like a friend who often tells me that God is like a father and loves us all.

Sometimes I also feel my ear, to hear what Christ thinks about something

When I do this, He talks back. According to my psychiatrist, this is a strange piece of the puzzle. For her, it is just different when I tell people that I speak with Christ, than when I do so by putting my finger to my ear as if there were a microphone there. Incidentally, I am aware that people find it strange that I touch my ear to talk to Christ, so these days I almost never do that in front of anyone, only when I feel comfortable or when I feel that Christ really wants to say something to me. Then I see if I can talk to Him unnoticed. In any case, my psychiatrist’s interpretation of my contact with Christ depends on “the bigger picture”. Whether I am not talking too fast, whether I am sleeping well, whether my family is not worried, etc. And with that, for several years now, I’ve been able to tell myself  when I’m not doing well. I try to stay ahead of that, and to rest when I am tired.

As for praying, at home I pray out loud before dinner when my teenage son and my father are there. That is accepted. And even though my son doesn’t believe in God, we can sometimes have small conversations as a result of the prayer about whether there is a God, why injustice exists, and hopefully he gets that it is important that there be peace on earth. Recently, I have also started praying for “minor” personal matters for a while, because God is a God you can go to with all your worries.

What is an important message for me, from my psychosis and at St. Vitus Church is the idea that everyone wants peace and an end to hunger and disease. That all faiths are connected. And that all people are connected. I am also glad that teenagers are now standing up for Mother Earth.

Jim, how do you see my contact with God, commitment to peace and this learning and calibration?

And can you maybe also talk a little bit about how you, being  an agnostic, view these ideas? Can you explain a little more about what being agnostic is for you and what that means in your work? Do you have any idea what I mean when I say I feel God in me? And you’ve told me on occasion that you see my contact with God as “something beautiful”. Can you say something about that? What do you think about me feeling my ear to talk to God?

Incidentally, I myself feel that my contact with Christ does come from my psychic crisis or spiritual journey of discovery (psychosis), which also consisted largely of suffering. Actually, it does not matter very much to me whether counsellors call it “residual symptoms of psychosis” or not, as long as they attach meaning to my contact with God and delve into it. Similarly, my psychiatric nurse that I had at the time felt that my contact with Christ, and faith, have given my life more substance. It makes me completely happy when people see that contact with God serves a higher purpose, as shown in the documentary Crazywise, among others. A blessing for the whole community. Like a contribution to world peace.

In short, I very much look forward to your response dear Jim!

To be continued next week.